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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.