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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.