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Iām trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Somedays I could do without the life lesson
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list