Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.