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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.