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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.