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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
I dream about naps.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.