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Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.