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Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.