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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.