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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...