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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.