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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.