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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.