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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)