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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
I had your cake and ate it too.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.