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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...