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Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch