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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.