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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything