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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.