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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.