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If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!