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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes