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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.