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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.