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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.