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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Iām better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.