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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to