Daily Silly Status

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.

I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.

I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."

Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!

Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.

I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.

Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.

If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.

Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl

I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.

2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!

RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!

If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.