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Just for kicks I posted "I won the LOTTERY" on Facebook. One girl liked it, then replied to the inbox message I sent her in 2010. *Blocked*
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.