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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.