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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.