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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
I drink to make other people interesting.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?