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condoms prevent minivans
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.