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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"