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Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.