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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.