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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I went for window shopping , and guest what , I bought four windows....