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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.