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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss