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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.