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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
It’s not pretty being easy.