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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted