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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel