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With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.