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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.