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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”