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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."