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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar