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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.