Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking