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I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
2 words, 1 finger.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.