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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.