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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.