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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.