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Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Remember when the world ended last year?
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...