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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.