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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.