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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0