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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?