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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."